Moving

I . . . . really . . . . HATE . . . packing! I'm thinking of becoming a minimalist, because seriously, we own way too much stuff, and how much of it do we actually use on a regular basis? I only hope after this we will have only one more move - though, only God knows the future.

I really will miss this house of ours. If I could, I would move it with me! I know it might not be the best house in the world, but both of my kids learned to walk here, and it suits me just fine, and of course, the bathtub is simply awesome. I can't believe we sold it so quickly, and with a small profit - which will go straight to spending on getting air conditioners and a couch for our new place, and of course money we owe to people. I hope the next owner appreciates and loves this house as much as we have. I think Louie will miss it the most, since he won't be allowed to go outside anymore.

Well, back to packing . . . . ugh!

On Beauty and Vanity (the REAL beast).

In college I had a friend named Anna. She was extremely intelligent in the academic sense; she even got a full scholarship for it, which is rare at Messiah. And I thought she was just plain awesome, not because she was smart, but because her outlook on life was so different from anybody else I had ever known.
You see, Anna had grown up as a MK (missionary kid), though I'm not sure which country she grew up in, I'm pretty sure it was somewhere in Africa. So her values and ideals were shaped by an entirely different culture from the me-me-me of American culture.  I always found conversations with her were refreshing.
What struck me the most about Anna was her opinion on the concept of beauty. As far as I could tell, she put absolutely no stock in it. She could care less what she looked like, or what others looked like, and did not understand why girls wore makeup or spent hours on their hair, or sat in front of mirrors, she did not even have a mirror growing up! I probably would have described her as "average-looking", not that it would make a difference to her, she dressed well, but did not spend an exorbitant amount of time on preparing herself for the day. It was so different from all the other girls, including myself, I knew who were constantly complaining that their nose was too big, or their hair was too curly, or why couldn't they lose 5 pounds, etc, etc.
I often wish I could be more like Anna. I spend far too much time worrying about my looks, and thinking that I don't look good enough. I'm too fat, I have too many freckles, my skin is too white, I'm too short, etc. But WHY? If only we could live in a world without mirrors, and without constant judgement, and the worst part is, the harshest judgement is not from others, but ourselves. I wonder how I can help Grace growing up in this society to be more like Anna . . . I want her to know she is beautiful :) Looks aren't everything, and shouldn't really be anything at all . . .

A rant on something that bothers me . . .

Healthcare in America has many problems, this is obvious. Many people have their ideas on ways to make it better, and ways to fix this or fix that. And most people believe that everybody deserves at least some sort of healthcare. But some people clearly get better healthcare than others, and not always the people you would expect . . . . so begins my rant . . .

Prisoners. Really?

I have a patient who needs a new liver, which he destroyed through multiple methods: drinking alcohol, using IV drugs, and then there's the issue of being stabbed in the liver. He has other health problems which landed him in the hospital, and require surgery to completely fix, but his liver is too bad to do the surgery and survive. He's been in the hospital for an extensive amount of time. But he will be transferred to another facility, and put on top of the liver transplant list, and if he does get a transplant, his other health concerns can be fixed as well. That seems all well and fine, maybe. But here's the clincher - this patient is a prisoner, for what I'm not aware, but that's not important.

As per protocol, he has two around-the-clock gaurds that sit in the room with him all day, getting paid overtime to watch the television while the prisoner lays there and sleeps, eats, and sleeps some more. It's too big of a risk for him to be transferred back to the prison, and there is not a bed for him at the new facility yet, so he's basically just staying in the hospital biding time until he can go to one or the other. He is getting the best that healthcare has to offer. And he will be ahead of many (much more well-deserving, in my opinion) individuals waiting for a transplant. How much do you think this all costs? More than I want to know. Hundreds of thousands of dollars, just for this one prisoner. The worst thing is, this is pretty commonplace. Prisoners generally get great healthcare. The government makes sure of this.

When I told the doctor I'm working with that my husband doesn't have any health insurance currently, he quickly responded that if ever gets into any real health trouble, to have him go throw a brick into a government building and get sent to jail, where they will send him to the hospital so he will get the medical attention he needs.  He's seen a few cases where people from other countries, where the healthcare is dismal, will come "visit" our country specifically to cheat the system by performing a minor crime to get the medical assistance they need.

Yet, programs like medicaid and medicare are struggling. WHY? Why are we giving so many healthcare dollars to prisoners, people who do not contribute to society and we are punishing for wrongdoing? Not to say that we shouldn't take care of them at all . . . but there's a line . . .

Ugh . . . end of rant, because if I continue, it'll start devolving into nonsensical babble. . . .

What if . . .

A few weeks ago in church, the pastor posed a question to the congregation that really got me thinking: "what if God had answered all of your prayers, what would your life be like now?"

Before getting into this question, I do have to make a point here: God has answered ALL of my prayers, just not in the way that I would have liked and/or expected at the time. Most of the answers I've gotten were "no", or even more commonly "be patient, and wait, it will come in My time".  I'm a firm believer that God does not leave any prayers unanswered. So the question, more properly stated for the purposes of this post, is more akin to "what if God gave you everything you prayered for when you asked?"

I have to say, my life would be a very different story, and while I am pretty happy with where my life is at the moment, I do often wish that many prayers throughout my life were answered differently.
Looking back over my life, I can see how God used my experiences to mold me into who I am today, and I'm likely a better person for it. At times, life would have been much easier though . . . here are just a few things that would have been completely different (some of them are silly, now that I look back at them, but others I still sometimes wish had happened) . . .

- Either my parents would have stopped fighting all the time and gotten along fantastically, or they would be divorced (I'm not sure which I prayed for first).
- My father would have quit smoking and drinking alcohol, which would have allowed us money to use towards family trips, which we would have taken. I always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.
- My father would not be an alcoholic. And neither would his father or brothers.
- My family would not only be significantly less dysfunctional, but would actually enjoy spending time together. We would have had family games nights, and movie nights, and the like.
- My sister would have had an easier adolescence, would be more confident in herself, and would never have tried to kill herself. She never would have married Leroy, her first husband, either, who was abusive towards her at times. She never would have felt the need to try to have children so young, just in an attempt to have somebody to love that would love her back. And she would have never had to suffer through two miscarriages, and later a very difficult pregnancy with Bailey.
- My father would have spent time with my brother, the son he always wanted and complained he didn't have, and my brother would have had a good male role model.
- I would have a younger sister, instead of a brother. And an older brother, instead of a sister (which might negate the previous two prayer? this gets complicated the more you think about it, because if one prayer was answered differently, it affects all the others . . .)
- I would be taller, skinnier, devoid of freckles, and would have hair that always does what I want it to do. In essence, I would be visually beautiful (dang vanity getting to me)
- My parents would have told me "I love you", at least on occasion when I was growing up. This was not something that was ever really verbalized in my family, a remnant of how my parents were raised. Though, within the past few years, I've started to say it to my mother, and am surprised that now she will say it to me first sometimes.
- I wouldn't have searched for love in all the wrong places, because I would have felt loved my whole life, and could have avoided some not-so-great situations.
- We would have been financially comfortable. I never prayed that we were rich, because I thought that would sound too selfish, but as a kid, I did pray that we would have more money. Unfortunately, growing up poor in a relatively affluent community did its damage to me as a schoolchild. I rarely owned new clothes, getting either hand-me-downs from my sister or cousins, or the bane of my existence, from the thrift store. Because I was smaller than all the kids in my grade, despite being a year older than all of them, I would often go to school in an outfit that belonged to one of my classmates the year before that their mother had dropped off at the donation bin. I was relentlessly teased about this, often enough that I dreaded going to the salvation army, though my Mom never understood why I hated it so much. I never told her why, because I knew it would make her feel bad. I had an overwhelming sense of guilt, even as a small child, about these sorts of things. I very specifically remember when those little back-packs were the "in" thing during the fall 4th grade. Everybody had them, and they all looked the same, made by the same overpriced company. I wanted one desperately so I could fit it, but we couldn't afford it. Long after they had gone out of style, my Mom was so excited to give me one for Easter. Not only were they not "in" anymore, but my mom had gotten an off-brand one that had a pretty pattern on it, rather than the plain solid-colored ones owned by all the girls in my class. I was dissappointed, but didn't have the heart to tell my Mom, because how hard she must have tried to save the money to buy it, so I smiled and thanked her, and wore it to school everyday until the end of the year, and got teased for it. Luckily, my best friend at the time stood up for me, and told me that it was way prettier than everybody elses (which it really was). But, I digress, back to my silly list . . .
- I would have been a gymnast, a pianist, a dancer, a horseback rider, a black-belt karate master, a soccer player, and all the other things I only dreamed of because my family did not have the money to put me in such activities.
- I would have some athletic ability, or at least enough to stay balanced on my own two feet without walking into walls on occassion, or tripping over my own feet.
- I would have gotten a full scholarship to both college and medical school.
- I would have gotten into medical school on the first attempt, and would actually be a practicing physician at this point.
- I would still be married, but probably not to Jonny (don't think I like this outcome).
- I would have dated in high school, and gotten my first kiss far before the age of 22.
- I would have "fit in" with the other kids at school, and not always felt like an outcast, I still often feel like an outcast. It's difficult when you dance to the beat of a completely different instrument . . .
- I would be fluent in multiple languages, how useful would that be?
- My mother wouldn't have so many ailments, and I could see her more often.
- I would still have grandparents, and would have met my mother's father (he died when she was 10 or so)
- I would know my older brother, or my Mom would have at least told me about him. I wonder who he is . . . where he is . . . I wish I could ask my Mom about him . . .
- I would have completely avoided the teenage "angst"years
- I would have the drive to complete tasks
- I would not have two kids right now, or even one . . . I never would have had my own children, but would have waited some time and adopted them


I could go on forever really, but the gist of my list boils down to a few major things. But I guess the struggles in my life were necessary for one reason or another. I would write more to really get down to something philosophical and deep, but this post is so long, nobody would read it anyway, and I have to get back to work . . .

On Being Human . . . .

I wish I could go days without sleeping and still be cheerful and loving. I wish I could be the kind of parent that can work hard all day and come home and be full of energy to play with Caleb and read him extra bedtime stories when he asks. I wish I knew how to express my feelings without exploding. But like every other human before me, I fail miserably.

Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed and suffocated by my humanness. Despite my efforts, I become fatigued too easily, and can be grumpy. I don't want to be.  I get home after confronting death all day, and see the smiling faces of my beautiful children, happy to see me home and so full of life, and all I'd like to do is give them each a kiss, and take a long, hot bath, and then crawl into bed.

Why is life so exhausting, and why am I so stinking subject to my human nature?

Practice Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty

"It's the action, not the fruit of the action, that's important. You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there'll be any fruit. But that doesn't mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result." - - Gandhi

Saw this quote in a book today, and it really made me think . . .  perhaps I need to do more. Maybe nothing big or major, but little things can really go a long way. Like leaving a large tip to a waiter who seems to be having a bad day, shoveling an extra sidewalk or two when nobody is watching, picking some random people and addresses out of a phone book (that big yellow book that comes in the mail and is very useful as a child booster seat used to be used for something else - no way!) and sending them cards with words of encouragement, putting a couple quarters in a meter for a stranger when you see that their time is going to expire soon, I could go on, but you get the idea. There is so much sadness and strife in the world, why not add a little bit of love and happiness in whatever way I can.

Do you have any ideas world of blogging? Or, should I say Susan, since I think you may be the only person who reads this . . . .

Caleb . . .

 

To follow-up my reasons why I love my Gracie Girl, here are (some of the) reasons I love my Caleb :

1. He potty-trained super easily! Whenever I see kids the same size or bigger than Caleb getting their diapers changed, I am reminded how awesome it is that Caleb doesn't put us through this anymore.

2. He can entertain himself.

3. He is a relatively good eater, not picky like myself.

4. He is super independent.

5. He loves to help mommy bake in the kitchen :)

6. He is usually a very happy kid.

7. Once we get him to sleep, he sleeps through the night and can sleep through almost anything!

8. He is very outgoing, and always has a smile for everybody, even strangers.

9. He's just too darn cute!

10. He's my first-born, a suprise, and a blessing all rolled into one beautiful child. I hope I can be a good mother to him, and raise him up right.