A New Year . . .

It's been 2013 for a little over an hour, why am I still awake?

There are a lot of things to look forward to this coming year: match day, graduation, moving, the beginning of residency - being a doctor, sort of :) I only hope that wherever we land, we will find a good church family.

I don't really have any resolutions this year. I used to make them when I was younger, but I don't really understand the point of making promises to myself that I know I won't be able to keep. Yes, it would be nice to lose some weight, but I'm not going to kill myself doing it, and a better goal would be to take little steps to be healthier, nevermind what the scale says. I'd also like to be more organized, get more sleep, keep my house a little cleaner, and get less frustrated with the kids when they hit my last nerve, but I don't expect that any of this will change just because I make a resolution. However, if I were to make a resolution, I think it would have to be spending more time in communion with God. Though, I hate to make that a resolution, because it is something I should never stop striving for, and should have no endpoint.

I need sleep, so ending abruptly seems like a good idea . . . .

HOME!

After all the traveling and working and being away from my family, I'm so glad to just simply be home in Williamsport to enjoy the holidays with Jon, Caleb, Gracie, and of course Louie! To me the Christmas season is all about being with loved ones and sharing our many blessings with each other.

It was Caleb's first Christmas where he actually understood opening his presents - I LOVED watching his face light up with each gift :) And it was Grace's first Christmas - Caleb opened most of her presents for her, and wanted to play with them too, but she seemed to have a happy Christmas (thank goodness she seems to be mostly over her illnesses). And it was great getting Jonny a toolchest ornament on Christmas Eve and saying "well, you said you wanted a toolchest!", and then watching him be surprised when he actually did get a toolchest the next morning! Even Louie got a present - a laser pointer of course. It was hilarious, as both Louie and Caleb chased after the light. I let Caleb "catch" it in his outstretched hand, and watched him pick it up and throw it in the trash - what a nut!

I think the best part, though, was Christmas Eve service at the church. I love singing Christmas carols (I use the term singing loosely, as I'm a terrible singer), and watching the church be lit up by the candles we all held (I'll admit it, I'm a bit of a pyromaniac, I love flames!), and it was great watching Caleb go up with the rest of the kids during story time, excited to listen to the story of Christ's birth. He was the loudest and most responsive of the group, he sure isn't shy at all! I always say "he definitely didn't get that from me!", but that's completely untrue. I might be really reserved now, but as a child, I was extremely outgoing, and got in trouble all the time for speaking out of turn. He's just a little me!

I'm none too excited to go on two more interviews next week, but am glad I'll have another week off before getting back to the grind of rotations. At least I'll be able to go home to my family this time.

I'll sure miss my little house in Williamsport when we move, but I'm excited to see what God has in store for my little family and where our next home will be.

AIrports are lame . . . but it sure beats driving

 love people. But I hate the horrible things they do.

What would possess anybody in their right mind to go into an elementary school and shoot a gun at children? My heart breaks when I hear tragic news like this. Where is God in this situation? I can only pray that he is holding the broken hearts of the parents, family, and friends as he leads the new little angels home. I simply can not imagine this situation, and want to be home with my babies so I can hug them so tightly and cherish all my moments with them.

Life is too short, and I have seen firsthand the tragedies and diseases that can rip families apart from one another. They say that by the end of medical shool, you’ve usually seen enough to become numb to terrible events; you lose your empathy so that you are capable of doing your job and moving on to the next patient who needs your knowledge and attention. This has not happened to me, I still am considered to be overly empathetic, which is clear to the others around me at the airport as I’m crying my eyes out over the children in CT. Furthermore, I do not want to lose my empathy – it’s part of who I am, and the reason that I will be a great doctor. Who wants a cold, emotionless psychiatrist? Certainly not me! Surgeon maybe, psychiatrist definitely not.

I loved the NICU, and believe I would have made an excellent neonatologist and would have loved it, however, I would go home in tears nearly everyday.  I still pray for the patients that I cared for last month in the NICU, though I heard from one of the residents the littlest baby of mine passed away about a week after I left L

Maybe I am too emotional to be a doctor.

Worst experience thus far as a medical student:

Toward the middle of my two weeks in Emergency Medicine this year, a young girl was wheeled into the ED - clearly she was extremely anxious, face pale, hyperventilating and holding her chest. I immediately recognized her as a patient I had worked with previously on my Internal Medicine rotation a few months earlier. She had the misfortune of having post-partum cardiomyopathy (in english this means that a few weeks after delivering her baby, her heart went into failure for reasons we still don’t understand, it is a rare and very severe occurrence after pregnancy). She had been discharged to another hospital the last time I saw her, so that she could get more specialized care. Apparently, in the meantime she had been released and though her outcome was hopeful, she had basically given up on life. Her mother reported that she had not left the house, rarely talked to anybody, and was not taking care of herself – not showering, eating, or even getting up from the couch to use the bathroom. She also blamed her beautiful baby girl for her killing her, she said she knew she was going to die. Obviously she was going through some major depression, and she also suffered from panic attacks, fearing her imminent death. I felt sad speaking to her, and wished I could just hug her.

She had been on the way to the hospital for a blood transfusion when a panic attack set in, as being in a hospital made her endlessly nervous that she would never leave again. After only a few short minutes in her ED room, her heart started racing, her heart that was operating at only about 15percent of normal. Unfortunately, her heart could not handle the stress, and stopped altogether.

I was there for the whole thing. I watched as they pushed medication after medication into her veins. I observed tubes being shoved down her throat to get an airline in.  I performed chest compressions on her, pushing with all my might to the beat of “staying alive” as I had been instructed (how ironic). I watched as the cardiologist hurried to her side and did an ultrasound of her heart. As I was pumping on her chest, which was covered with dirt, sweat and cigarette burns, the cardiologist showed me how I was making her heart work, and when I stopped compressions, her heart failed to push any blood on its own. And I was there when they told me to stop compressions and she was pronounced dead. It was truly awful.

What was worse was being there as the ER doctor and the cardiologist sat down with her family and told them that, despite their best efforts, their daughter was gone. The mother’s cry of horror, and the patient’s baby girl staring at me with unknowing, innocent will haunt me forever.

I still had three more hours to work that night, but I simply could not handle it. Without telling anybody, I walked out the door to my car, and left, crying tears for the mother who lost her daughter, and for the baby who would never know her mother.

Sadly, this is only one experience of what will be many unfortunate events. I don’t know how many more I can handle.

On that note, I’m gonna look at pictures of my happy babies to cheer myself up . . . 

Colorado

So, I decided to take a 2 hour nap when I got in to the hotel so I could feel rested enough to tackle the myriad of preparation work for my interview in the morning. Seven and a half hours later, I woke up, a little confused. And of course now, I can't fall back to sleep at the appropriate time.

Random aside - am I an easy target? I went to 7-Eleven to grab something to eat (by the way, they make a pretty good approximation of a hostess cupcake, if you were wondering, which you probably weren't) and was approached by multiple people looking for help in one way or another. One lady, I'm pretty certain, was drug-seeking. She asked for money for a meal at Boston Market, saying she hadn't eaten in days. She looked rather emaciated, so I told her that I didn't have any cash, but I would be more than willing to walk over with her and buy her a meal, which she declined. I then offered her the sandwich I had just bought, but she declined that as well. I figured if she were actually in need of food, she would have taken it. Another older lady, and her mentally challenged daughter (or grandaughter?) asked for a ride back to their personal care home. They looked harmless, and it was basically right next to my hotel, so I obliged. Though, when they got there, they asked if I could help them pay their rent. I did not do this, but told her I'd pray that they'd find the help they needed. I wonder if I should have helped? There is simply too much need in this world . . .

Colorado is an interesting place, though I've seen very little of it. It's just flat, really flat, then BAM mountains! How very different from the rolling hills of PA that I'm used to. It seems like a nice enough place, and I think Jonny would love living next to great ski slopes.

It's so weird to think in 5 months I'll be graduating, and an MD will follow my name! And even weirder to think that I'll be moving to . . . somewhere. At the moment, Pittsburgh is still my first choice, though I did really love Indy. It's going to be a really tough decision ranking the residency programs. And then, my fate lies in the hands (codes?) of a computer algorithym (sp?). I could end up anywhere! How daunting.

Well, I suppose I should try to get back to sleep. It is 1am (and my brain is convinced it's 3am, stinking time zones), and I'd like to be a little prepared for the morning.

Goodnight blogging world . . . maybe someday I'll write a post that makes coherent sense and actually has something of worth to say . . .

A new blog

So, after realizing I haven't truly journaled in basically forever, and trying to post on my old livejournal (which had been inactive so long it has been disabled), I decided to start this, my new blog.
Things that have happened since I've last journaled:
I had a baby, two to be exact (on two separate occasions, I don't do twins). And I haven't killed myself off despite the stress of being in medical school and a parent at the same time.
I'm nearly done with medical school (will be graduating in about 5 months - egads!), and have decided to become a psychiatrist. I don't care what people think, psychiatrists ARE real doctors, and if you don't believe me, there is a recent article in the Lancet showing that psychiatric medications have proven much more efficacious than any others. So there!
I've realized my life is completely boring, as I never have anything to talk about other than medical school and my kids.

Hopefully I can post on here from time to time, though I do not expect anybody to read this.